INTRODUCTION:
I've just had my 48th birthday. Yet, it's my
first year as a kingdom child living the
abundant life Jesus promises each of
us in His Word. My heart is so full of freedom in
Christ's loving Presence and overflowing adoration
of Him. Dancing before my Lord is my daily pleasure.
Every time I think this earthly frame cannot contain
one more revelation of His love, He again opens
Himself to me. My heart nearly explodes with joy in
worshipping Him.
"But," you say, "you don't know how bad it is
for me! How can I find and explore the
riches of His love? How can I be really free
when I feel so alone and rejected?" How well I
understand! Please, if you think you will never find
such energizing life and joy in Christ, let me
encourage you. It's our inheritance as His children.
The path through which we enter into His rest and
joy often introduces us to suffering. I love reading
1 Peter in The Message. Let me share some
verses from 1 Peter:
What a God we have!
And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of
our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the
dead, we've been given a brand-new life in
heaven--and the future starts now! God is keeping
careful watch over us and the future. The Day is
coming when you'll have it all--life healed and
whole....
Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved
pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes
out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up,
it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have
on display as evidence of his victory.
You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don't
see him, yet you trust him--with laughter and
singing. Because you kept on believing, you'll get
what you're looking forward to: total salvation.
Peter reminds of the prophets knew the key:
that the Messiah would experience suffering,
followed by glory. The angels watch with
intrigue. God exposes all our defenses that keep Him
away or let us run from Him. Yet Peter tells us to
do just the opposite:
As obedient children, let
yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by
God's life, a life energetic and blazing with
holiness. God said, "I am holy; you be holy."
You call out to God for help and he helps--he's a
good Father that way. But don't forget he's also a
responsible Father, and won't let you get by with
sloppy living.
Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep
consciousness of God. It cost God plenty to get you
out of that dead-end, empty-headed life you grew up
in. He paid with Christ's sacred blood, you know. He
died like an unblemished, sacrificial lamb.... God
always knew he was going to do this for you. It's
because of this sacrificed Messiah, whom God then
raised from the dead and glorified, that you trust
God, that you know you have a future in God.
Now that you've cleaned up your lives by following
the truth, love one another as if your lives
depended on it....
What counts is that
you put up with (suffering) for God's sake when
you're treated badly for no good reason. There's no
particular virtue in accepting punishment that you
well deserve. But if you're treated badly for good
behavior and continue in spite of it to be a good
servant, that is what counts with God.
This is the kind of life you've been invited into,
the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered
everything that came His way so you would know that
it could be done, and also know how to do it, step
by step. "He never did one thing wrong, Not once
said anything amiss." They called Him every name in
the book and He said nothing back. He suffered in
silence, content to let God set things right. He
used His servant body to carry our sins to the Cross
so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right
way. His wounds became your healing. ...
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump
to the conclusion that God isn't on the job.
Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of
what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual
refining process, with glory just around the corner.
TESTIMONY:
I've known suffering for 47 years. After surviving 3
abortion attempts by my mother, I was born dead,
strangled by the very cord of life. After
resuscitation, I was left stone deaf. But my
mother's mother hounded heaven for my hearing. When
I was 9 months old, my praying grandmother called my
mother to check my ears; God told her they were
healed. I've had perfect hearing ever since. What a
life God saved me from once again! My young parents
consequently believed in Jesus and redemption
started in my generation.
But -- the lingering curses of sexual abuse, satanic
loyalties, rituals and incest came down through the
generations on my father's side and assaulted my
soul from birth to 18 years old. My paternal
grandparents secretly schooled me in satanism since
I was one year old. My tiny heart was unable to
contain the pain; I began to dissociate over and
over, in order to survive. I ran away from home by
the age of 4--and got a mile away when I was 6.
After an unsuccessful suicide attempt at 14, Jesus
reached out to me, offering His gift of
unconditional love and salvation. I understood my
sin and my need for His forgiveness and
salvation--but not His Lordship.
Shortly after, when I was confronted with my
grandfather's sexual desire, I spoke from the
heart of a child: "Jesus lives in my heart now.
You can't do this anymore." He never touched me
again. (I thought he was such a powerful man --
but it only took that one "no" from a child to
keep his hands off of me.) But the sibling
incest continued until each of us girls left
home.
My second year of Bible College, I was diagnosed
with an inoperable brain tumor. While the
hospital struggled with getting me home alive,
God once again answered prayer and I woke from
my slumber fully healed and completed my
studies.
I spent 3 years in Europe with a missionary team
smuggling Bibles, clothes, etc., into communist
European churches persecuted for their faith.
But unresolved childhood conflicts and the
insatiable need to be held and loved made me
easy prey for the enemy. In the throes of moral
failure, God's blinding light Presence convicted
me while driving and I immediately repented. But
when I confessed my unknown sin to the
leadership, I learned men can be much more
unforgiving than God. I was tricked into a trip
home and fired. My personhood was destroyed and
they wanted years of punishment. My dreams were
ripped from me. I was Stateside once again and I
longed for death.
Through this season, I discovered the Lordship
of Christ. A little late - but better late than
never! After a year of rest and growth in
Christ, I met my husband to be. We married a
year later. Our wedding night crushed all dreams
of finding the intimacy I craved. He didn't want
me. He lied to me about knowing Christ's
Lordship. In the early years, I anguished daily
in our marriage and heartbreak. God met my
sorrows time after time until I let a root of
bitterness in. In our 5th year, I was working
late one night and contemplated the similarity
between my love/hate relationship with my
siblings and his similar relationships with his
best friends. I called one of them and
discovered my husband was homosexual. I called
my pastor for prayer, then I confronted my
husband. The leadership said if I would love,
risk and forgive more, he would change. Wrong!!
The only one I can change is me. I stayed 6
additional years because I was committed to my
covenant of marriage. In the latter years, my
self-esteem came from long hours and recognition
working at a defense company. But, like in
childhood through school, I was once again a
"dead-empty, functioning machine." After 11
years, out of sheer survival instinct, I filed
for divorce. Most of my family disowned me.
Through God's grace, I relocated to the South
and found God just waiting for me. The next two
years were full of the best of God's ministries,
revival services -- and work that accommodated
my lack of trust in relationships. Then, tragedy
struck. I plopped down on the sofa after voting
on 9/8/94. CNN was reporting a major aviation
disaster in Pittsburgh, PA. All 132 passengers
on board were dead. I watched intensely.
Instinctively I knew my oldest brother was on
that plane. The confirming phone call came at
3:30 a.m. Experiencing the carnage of that crash
(which the world understands more easily after
9/11) broke me completely. I ceased to function.
It flew into the ground much like Flight 93,
obliterating everything. My survival skills in
the aftermath were over. I retreated under my
blankets day after day. I was facing eviction if
I couldn't function.
Then, finally, God, a godly therapist, my local
church family and I embarked on the difficult
journey of looking my lifelong suffering in the
face and removing the lie that "life was
fine--it just sucked". One day with my
therapist, I cried out in a child's voice that
my brother died in pieces like I was supposed to
if I ever told my Grandfather's secrets ~ but I
hadn't yet told.!! Through revival services,
therapy sessions, coursework available within
our healing community and God-encounters, I
acknowledged my soul being split apart as a
child through constant childhood sexual abuse
and ritualistic trauma at the hands of my
grandfather and associates.
How could God put the broken pieces together and
make me whole? I didn't know. But I spoke
David's prayer continually as he asked for an
undivided heart that he could worship God. Over
the past 8 years, God has been faithfully
mending my shattered heart and making me whole.
Yet my confusion over communion, the importance
of Christ's death and resurrection, my security
and identity in Him, spiritual warfare, and
genuine, unconditional love eluded me.
Depression still raged with chronic suicide
attempts.
Recently, God allowed me to be confined and
exposed to desperate efforts by satanists to
make me forsake Christ and return to satanism.
After a very long 8 day assault, with no one to
help me, God Himself intervened on
my behalf. He interacted with me night after
night in the midst of the such ravaging. I was
radically changed as I learned to take every
thought captive, praying and worshipping Him to
drown out the noise. I warred against the enemy
from without while his very assault caused me to
retake hidden ground that he had been holding
within me. I consecrated my mind as our
tabernacle and took every thought captive to
Christ. When I could no longer fight, I heard
Jesus tell me "having done all--stand." I
confessed my unending love for Him and suddenly
He whisked me away under the shadow of His
wings. I could hear a spiritual battle taking
place but He'd hidden me right in the enemy's
camp and gave me rest. Night after night, as I
prepared for war, God was incredibly and
creatively faithful. My fragmented soul was
finally free to be united in wholeness and
safety. What the enemy meant for my destruction,
God transformed with His glory.
Once the Creator of Life holds you safely within
His heart, the nagging insatiable need to be
held vanishes. Once God begins touching the
human heart with His, the enemy not only loses
his grip but is exposed for the weak,
rebellious, pesky, bitter being that he is. God
arises with healing in His wings as our
suffering drives us deep into Christ. I've been
dancing in worship in my home every day. In
corporate worship, I nearly explode with pure
love and adoration for my Risen Savior and
Gentle but Powerful Shepherd. I've danced with
my prayer shawl before the Lord in His sanctuary
which I've dreamed of for years. To worship Him
with absolute abandon was my passion.
Every trace of depression is gone. How can
depression coexist with such freedom, joy and
love? When I open God's Word, new truths
continue to enlarge my love for Jesus and such a
Daddy God that planned such a wonderful
redemption as ours. I'm a child for the first
time. I love life and, most importantly, I love
the Giver of Life. Joy springs from deep within
with every thought of how good God is. As I
worship Him, He again and again touches my heart
with His. I choose to live under the umbrella of
His mercy and grace, while I intercede against
the enemy's pursuit for our heart's treasure.
I've been transported out of Isaiah 55-59 and
into Isaiah 60-61.
How could I have known that intense suffering
could lead to so much healing? As we let
suffering do it's perfect work, God heals and
restores the damage the enemy has sown. He
thinks through through ravaging a child's soul
and spirit that he destroys the connectors to
receiving God's pure love for us. Once God
touches us with His sweet heart in intimacy, we
are forever changed and the enemy is defeated
for good. I invite you into the grace of knowing
Christ, entering into His suffering with patient
endurance and ultimately being ushered with Him
into His resurrection power! His resurrection
life awaits you. I invite you to join me as I
dance with my beloved Bridegroom who delights in
us and invites us continually into His chambers.
Jesus
does bind up the brokenhearted, He
does proclaim freedom for the
captives, He does restore all that's been
devoured and makes us joyful, mighty warriors
for His Kingdom. The beauty is that His
everlasting, unconditional love produces a heart
of adoring love responding to His revelations of
ever-increasing dimensions. Come, join the dance
of love. I'm a vibrant, living demonstration of
Jesus Christ's lavish love transforming suicide,
depression and despair into a dance of rejoicing
in His Arms of love.
Yes, all the
things I once thought were so important are gone
from my life. Compared to the high privilege of
knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand,
everything I once thought I had going for me is
insignificant--dog dung. I've dumped it all in
the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be
embraced by Him. I didn't want some petty,
inferior brand of righteousness that comes from
keeping a list of rules when I could get the
robust kind that comes from trusting
Christ--God's righteousness.
I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could
know Christ personally, experience His
resurrection power, be a partner in His
suffering, and go all the way with Him to death
itself. If there was any way to get in on the
resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.
I'm not saying that I have this all together,
that I have it made. But I am well on my way,
reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously
reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong;
By no means do I count myself an expert in all
of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where
God is beckoning us onward--to Jesus. I'm off
and running, and I'm not turning back.
So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us
who want everything God has for us.
(Philippians 3).
Note: If you would like to
respond or ask her questions contact us.
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