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After an in-depth conversation with Kay Price, one of our alumni and an intern, I encouraged her to write an article on respect. Of course, I had to add some application too.

Kay: Respect. First, what is real respect? Noah Webster's 1828 dictionary defines respect as regard, attention, that estimation or honor in which men hold the distinguished worth or substantial good qualities of others. That deportment or course of action which proceeds from esteem, regard, or due attention. To treat with deference, good will, favor. To show or feel honor consideration or esteem for. To hold in high regard. To avoid intruding upon or interfering with.

My personal definition would include believing the best of others and trusting their heart. It involves honoring boundaries. If the other person doesn't like something don't give it to them or if they do like something give them that. If my spouse likes quiet in the morning I give him/her that. If they don't like a messy vehicle I keep it clean. As I heard it put once by Gary Smalley, don't stomp on their fences. He used the analogy of a farmer having put a fence around his property and his neighbor bull-dozing his fences down just because he wanted to. Obviously the farmer is not going to like it being violated like that and neither do we when others do not honor our boundaries.

In my life, the biggest hindrance to respecting others was my definition of respect. I was unaware that I had formed a definition based on what was modeled by my parents. My own definition of respect was letting someone run over me or abuse me. Clearly I was double minded when it came to knowing I needed to respect others and then doing it. Another hindrance was I didn't realize I was disobeying God. I had practiced conditional respect. Which meant that when I felt loved, then I would respect. (Didn't really happen as God doesn't honor pride.)

Humility is necessary to recognize my lack of respect. Respect is to be unconditional just as love is. God didn't say if you feel like it, respect your husband or if he loves you like you want him to, respect him or if he lines up with your expectations, then respect him. He said wives respect your own husband. This does not mean put it on and try to do respect in your strength. It must involve a heart change. Respect others as you would have them to respect you and respect them as Christ respects the church. I had to learn to appreciate God's choices for me, my authority figures and my life.

Our "filters" may color our perceptions of the authority figures God has placed over us or of God Himself. For instance, if our parents abused us, we may have a filter called bitter root expectations i.e. that others will abuse us too. If they withdraw from our bitterness, we may see it as a confirmation that they have an attitude. We may sow verbal abuse and then not realize that we are reaping what we sowed. We may abuse the kindness of others and then demand more, as if we are entitled. We may abuse the finances God has entrusted to us and fail to tithe and then expect Jesus to rescue us from the debt. While God has promised to deliver us from all our distresses (Psalm 107) He would rather that we appreciate and respect His direction and Word. He may allow us to reap what we sow in order to conform us to His image.

Ps 107:6, 13, 19, 28
6 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
13 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
19 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
28 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress. NIV

I find Holy Spirit most faithful to show us what hinders or what respect looks like practically applied. All we need do is ask. Do you really want to enjoy your spouse and REALLY appreciate him or her? How about experiencing relationships as they were designed by God? SOS = Sow or Speak Respect. If you have invited Jesus to be Lord of your life, you can choose to release Jesus to respect others through you.

Now! Are you ready for a God-given strategy of
SOWING OR SPEAKING RESPECT?
1. Provide a favorite meal or dessert for them.
2. Write a special note of how you admire them.
3. Improve your appearance before they come home.
4. Praise them in front of the children or others.
5. List their strong points and thank God for them all.
6. Tell your spouse that you love them deeply.
7. Ask them for advice and then appreciate it.
8. Buy them a little gift or make something for them.
9. Ask them to pray for you or about your problem.
10. Respond with understanding when you disagree.
11. Sow respect for them and your children will too.
12. Demonstrate your admiration for them in public.
13. Respect your spouse's authority in the home.
14. Never intimidate with loud condescending remarks.
15. Don't give ultimatums when you don't get your way.
16. Want to be with them; suggest "let's do it together."
17. Express confidence in their leadership and style.
18. Patiently allow time for them to hear from God.
19. Verbally appreciate their perceptions and insights.
20. Appeal to their intelligence and knowledge base.
21. Ask them to help you solve your problems.
22. Ask them what their top three needs are.
23. Respect them from your heart, mind and body.
24. Repent of rejecting them with negative body language.
25. Keep communication open and want to understand.
26. Pray for your spouse daily and trust God to answer.
27. Pray for insight, spiritual maturity and pure motivations.
28. Thank Jesus for working in your family and marriage.
29. Ask them to pray for your heart and attitude.
30. Expect Jesus to lead you through your spouse.
31. Keep an ongoing growing list of of their strengths.
32. Defer to them because you truly value them.
33. Respond to their loving advances with great enthusiasm.
34. Sincerely want to hear their confidences and concerns.
35. Ask for clarity vs. challenge their choices and views.
36. Ask Jesus to purify your critical or judgmental thoughts.
37. Choose to quit doing what you know irritates them.
38. Choose to support them even if their plan fails.
39. Sow the same grace you want to receive from them.
40. Resign from being the judge and jury over them.

Now! I suggest that you go back and write your top 5 challenges on a note card and keep it (in your Bible, devotional book, prayer list or in your car) where you will see it daily. Believe God for 5 victories in the area of respect every day. Release Jesus Christ to demonstrate respect through you in new ways with even more people. Soon, you will be able to enjoy reaping what you are sowing!!

This is the year to take the bad seed we have sown to Jesus, ask Him to bring the bad seeds to death on the Cross, to ask Him to give us resurrection LIFE and to commit to sowing good seed into the authorities God has placed over us. As we receive God's choices for us, He will make all things work for our good.
Rom.8:28-29.