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Was He saying about my marriage, "This sickness will not end
in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be
glorified through it" (v. 4)? Did He leave my prayers
unanswered because He did not care? Did He not answer my
prayers because I am unworthy or sinful? Did He not answer
my prayers because this marriage was my punishment because
of the adultery and fornication which began the
relationship? Why did Jesus not come and heal the marriage?
Why did it have to die? Why did the love I had for my
husband have to die? Is there hope for a resurrection of
love? Is there hope for a resurrection of this union?
Jesus knew
that Lazarus would die. In fact, He knew Lazarus was already
dead. Yet, He went to Bethany with the intent to raise
Lazarus. Jesus said, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep;
but I am going there to wake him up" (v. 11). I know that
Jesus can see all things and He knows the thoughts of our
hearts. He already knew my marriage was dead before I knew
it. How long was I in denial? Does He intend to raise
my marriage to life? Is that even in His power?
Similar to
Mary and Martha, I say to Jesus, "If you had been here my
marriage would not have died! (vs. 21, 32) If you had
come when I first cried out to you, this would not be
happening to me, to my husband, or to my children! Why
didn't you come? Why didn't you keep this from happening?
Now it is too late! The love is gone. The memories are
spoiled.
The pain
of the abuse festers somewhere deep inside me and I
cannot root it out. I have tried all the different ways I
have been taught to take care of this. I have forgiven my
husband and myself. I have forgiven my parents. I have
forgiven my husband's parents. I have even forgiven You
because I blamed You, too. But now the death is here in my
life and I mourn for what I have lost. If only You had been
here You could have healed my marriage. Now I have nothing
but a decaying body wrapped in burial clothes lying in a
tomb."
Do I have a
strong enough belief to declare to Jesus as Martha did,
"But I know that even now God will give you whatever you
ask"? (v. 22) I wish I could say yes without hesitation,
but I can not. Lord, help me in my unbelief. I want to
believe that God will give Jesus whatever He asks but is
this something He has decided to limit Himself in because of
His higher purpose of free-will? I believe this is so.
Therefore, perhaps what I really should be asking of Jesus
is not to raise my marriage to life but to raise me to life.
Maybe it is not the marriage that died but rather I died
within the marriage. Marriage is only possible between two
live people. If I am dead, then there is no marriage anyway.
If this is the case, then it is not my marriage that is
Lazarus, but rather, I am Lazarus. I am the decaying body,
wrapped in burial clothes lying on a cold slab in a dark,
sealed tomb. How long have I been dead? Nine years? Twelve
years? Is it too late for even Jesus to revive me from this
slumber?
In my
heart I hear Jesus tell me, "I am the Resurrection and the
Life. He who believes in me will live, even though he
dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.
Do you believe this?" My answer is, "Yes, Lord. I believe
that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who was to come
into the world" (v. 27); but help me in my unbelief and my
fear!
Do people
weep over my death? If they do, when Jesus sees people
weeping over me, is He deeply moved in spirit and troubled?
Does He weep for me? Do people say, "See how he loved her?"
(vs. 33-36). Does Jesus really love me? I wonder.
I hear
Jesus calling me out of the tomb just as He called Lazarus
out of the tomb (v. 43). Was Lazarus the same when he was
brought back to life as he was before he died? What is a
person like who was once dead but is now alive again? Did
Lazarus have any memory of the days he was dead? Did he have
a choice to obey Christ? Or could he have refused to come
out? I wonder.
I hear
Jesus calling me out but I am unable (or is it unwilling) to
come out of the tomb I am in. Have I become so accustomed
to the environment of the tomb and the bindings of the
burial clothes that I fear to leave even though it is Jesus
my Lord who calls me out? Who will Jesus provide to take off
the grave clothes and let me go free? Who will prevent me
from dieing again? I do not want to live again if I will
just end up dieing again. I fear the pain will be too
unbearable. Who will prevent this from happening? Can Jesus
prevent it? Will Jesus prevent it? I wonder.
This
article has many questions left unanswered because I do not
have the answers today. I am on a road of recovery from
emotional, mental, and spiritual abuse. I say "a" road
as opposed to "the" road, because there is not just one road
to recovery from such abuse. Every abuse is different in
content, duration, viciousness, and intensity; therefore
every road for recovery is different. There are good days
and there are bad days on this road. My ponderings today
reveal a depth of emotion I have rarely expressed. If you
identify with my questions, I pray you will find comfort
knowing that you are not alone in your doubts and fears. I
guess one of the tragic consequences of emotional and
spiritual abuse is it tends to make one feel isolated and
alone. How can someone put into words the extreme damage
done to the very soul and spirit of their personhood?
In
closing, I make this profession of faith. Although I do have
questions, I know without a doubt that Jesus is the
Resurrection and the Life. I know He will keep His promises.
He has promised to give me life and life abundantly. He has
promised to heal me. He has promised to never leave me nor
forsake me. He is not a man that He should lie. He loves me
totally and unconditionally. These very promises are for
you, too. I know these things in my mind. I pray that Jesus
will establish these beliefs in my heart and in the hearts
of my readers. Be blessed today and continue to listen for
Jesus' voice calling you out of your tomb. But if you, like
me, are trapped by fear in your tomb, look for Jesus' hand
to pull you to life. He may be reaching out to you through
the hands of many friends He brings into your life. I
perceive that this is how He is bringing me from my tomb
into life.
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