|
Was He saying about my marriage, "This sickness will not end in death.
No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it"
(v. 4)? Did He leave my prayers unanswered because He did not care? Did
He not answer my prayers because I am unworthy or sinful? Did He not
answer my prayers because this marriage was my punishment because of the
adultery and fornication which began the relationship? Why did Jesus not
come and heal the marriage? Why did it have to die? Why did the love I
had for my husband have to die? Is there hope for a resurrection of
love? Is there hope for a resurrection of this union?
Jesus knew that Lazarus
would die. In fact, He knew Lazarus was already dead. Yet, He went to
Bethany with the intent to raise Lazarus. Jesus said, "Our friend Lazarus
has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up" (v. 11). I know
that Jesus can see all things and He knows the thoughts of our hearts. He
already knew my marriage was dead before I knew it. How long was I in
denial? Does He intend to raise my marriage to life? Is that even in
His power?
Similar to Mary and
Martha, I say to Jesus, "If you had been here my marriage would not have
died! (vs. 21, 32) If you had come when I first cried out to you, this
would not be happening to me, to my husband, or to my children! Why
didn't you come? Why didn't you keep this from happening? Now it is too
late! The love is gone. The memories are spoiled.
The pain of the
abuse festers somewhere deep inside me and I cannot root it out. I
have tried all the different ways I have been taught to take care of
this. I have forgiven my husband and myself. I have forgiven my
parents. I have forgiven my husband's parents. I have even forgiven You
because I blamed You, too. But now the death is here in my life and I
mourn for what I have lost. If only You had been here You could have
healed my marriage. Now I have nothing but a decaying body wrapped in
burial clothes lying in a tomb."
Do I have a strong enough
belief to declare to Jesus as Martha did, "But I know that even now God
will give you whatever you ask"? (v. 22) I wish I could say yes without
hesitation, but I can not. Lord, help me in my unbelief. I want to
believe that God will give Jesus whatever He asks but is this something He
has decided to limit Himself in because of His higher purpose of
free-will? I believe this is so.
Therefore, perhaps what I really
should be asking of Jesus is not to raise my marriage to life but to raise
me to life. Maybe it is not the marriage that died but rather I died
within the marriage. Marriage is only possible between two live people.
If I am dead, then there is no marriage anyway. If this is the case, then
it is not my marriage that is Lazarus, but rather, I am Lazarus. I am the
decaying body, wrapped in burial clothes lying on a cold slab in a dark,
sealed tomb. How long have I been dead? Nine years? Twelve years? Is
it too late for even Jesus to revive me from this slumber?
In my heart I hear
Jesus tell me, "I am the Resurrection and the Life. He who believes
in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me
will never die. Do you believe this?" My answer is, "Yes, Lord. I
believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who was to come into the
world" (v. 27); but help me in my unbelief and my fear!
Do people weep over my
death? If they do, when Jesus sees people weeping over me, is He deeply
moved in spirit and troubled? Does He weep for me? Do people say, "See
how he loved her?" (vs. 33-36). Does Jesus really love me? I
wonder.
I hear Jesus calling me
out of the tomb just as He called Lazarus out of the tomb (v. 43).
Was Lazarus the same when he was brought back to life as he was before he
died? What is a person like who was once dead but is now alive again?
Did Lazarus have any memory of the days he was dead? Did he have a
choice to obey Christ? Or could he have refused to come out? I wonder.
I hear Jesus calling me
out but I am unable (or is it unwilling) to come out of the tomb I am in.
Have I become so accustomed to the environment of the tomb and the
bindings of the burial clothes that I fear to leave even though it is
Jesus my Lord who calls me out? Who will Jesus provide to take off the
grave clothes and let me go free? Who will prevent me from dieing again?
I do not want to live again if I will just end up dieing again. I fear
the pain will be too unbearable. Who will prevent this from happening?
Can Jesus prevent it? Will Jesus prevent it? I wonder.
This article has many
questions left unanswered because I do not have the answers today. I
am on a road of recovery from emotional, mental, and spiritual abuse.
I say "a" road as opposed to "the" road, because there is not just one
road to recovery from such abuse. Every abuse is different in content,
duration, viciousness, and intensity; therefore every road for recovery is
different. There are good days and there are bad days on this road. My
ponderings today reveal a depth of emotion I have rarely expressed. If
you identify with my questions, I pray you will find comfort knowing that
you are not alone in your doubts and fears. I guess one of the tragic
consequences of emotional and spiritual abuse is it tends to make one feel
isolated and alone. How can someone put into words the extreme damage
done to the very soul and spirit of their personhood?
In closing, I make this
profession of faith. Although I do have questions, I know without a doubt
that Jesus is the Resurrection and the Life. I know He will keep His
promises. He has promised to give me life and life abundantly. He has
promised to heal me. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me.
He is not a man that He should lie. He loves me totally and
unconditionally. These very promises are for you, too. I know these
things in my mind. I pray that Jesus will establish these beliefs in my
heart and in the hearts of my readers. Be blessed today and continue to
listen for Jesus' voice calling you out of your tomb. But if you, like
me, are trapped by fear in your tomb, look for Jesus' hand to pull you to
life. He may be reaching out to you through the hands of many friends He
brings into your life. I perceive that this is how He is bringing me from
my tomb into life.
If you would like
Restoration Prayer Ministry please contact us. |
