INTRODUCTION -- As we discussed
the possibility of writing this, Carol suggested that we
introduce it with this letter I sent to her near the end of her
fifth stay at the hospital during her recovery:
Carol,
Yesterday went well here, we were at the
corps (church) most of the day. Your telephone call was
very uplifting for me, especially when Master chose to speak
with me. I'm sorry I didn't recognize Master immediately, he
caught me by surprise. I had assumed that Master preferred to
stay in the background and not have direct contact with the
outside world. Once again I am reminded that it is risky to
assume anything. So I lost what I consider to be a precious
opportunity to strengthen my relationship with the "Master" part
of you. Still, it was very encouraging to have Master volunteer
to talk with me; I hope that our future contacts are less
disappointing for both of us.
It is so good to see the progress as God
continues His healing process within you! I am getting more
excited about you and our relationship as each week goes by.
There will still be difficult times for both of us, but I
rejoice in the positive changes they are bringing to our lives.
After talking with [a friend at
church] (standing in the parking lot for half an hour after
the meeting) last night I think that it might be a good time to
begin writing our book about all of these things. [Our friend]
said that she (and other corps members) doesn't "know what to
do" to maintain the supportive, caring kind of relationship with
you that she feels is an important part of our life in the
corps. She knows that it is not always Carol she is interacting
with, but feels very uncertain about what to do or say when one
of the alters is out. We talked about it for a while and she
suggested two things: a time when we can discuss this among the
interested and supportive members of the congregation; and
second, go ahead and write the book.
So, since all of this affects you more
than anyone else, I wanted you to have the opportunity to think
about it before you get home and encounter the ideas in
conversation around the corps. Would a meeting with the
supportive members of the congregation, to discuss your needs
and how they should respond to you and the alters, be helpful
for you -- or would it be threatening and overwhelming?
Similarly, should we write a "HELP! My Friend Has Multiple
Personalities" book to help them, and possibly Christians
who are members of other congregations which include multiples,
understand how to respond in a loving, caring and supportive way
to the needs of SRA/MPD survivors? Would that cause you to feel
like a circus freak, or would it be a positive way of helping
others to help you meet your needs in these difficult times in
your life?
I've got to go, it's almost time for Jamie
to go to school. I guess I'll have to wait until you get home to
carry on lengthy discussions of serious stuff like books and
meetings.
"Dear friends, let us love one another,
for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God
and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because
God is love." I John 4:7-8
I love you! and I'm looking forward to
seeing you again tomorrow.
James
"I don't know what to do." With this comment
one of our friends, a lay leader in our congregation, expressed
her frustration regarding her interactions with my wife and her
alternate personalities. Here was an experienced Christian who
had overcome many difficulties in her own life, confused about
how to express her concern and loving support for a Christian
sister who was a wounded and suffering child of God.
How do I express my love, care, and concern
in a supportive, uplifting way? How do I keep from causing
further pain or confusion? What needs does this hurting friend
have that I can help her fulfill? How can I help? We will
attempt to provide useful, honest, meaningful answers to these
questions.
CAUTION:
This book is not intended to be used as a tool
for the diagnosis or treatment of multiple
personalities. Individuals who feel that as
survivors of abuse they may be multiple are
strongly encouraged to seek therapy with a
trained mental health professional who has
experience in working with multiple
personalities. This book is intended to offer
suggestions to the supportive friends and family
members of persons who are already participating
in a therapeutic relationship with a qualified
counselor.
|
There are several theories currently under
debate among mental health professionals regarding the origin,
nature, and effective treatment of the set of behaviors referred
to as Multiple Personality Disorder. Please understand that only
God can provide authoritative answers to the many questions we
have about multiple personalities. The information presented
here is based only upon the authority of our own experience, and
the understanding we have gained from that experience. While the
ideas expressed here may seem "wise" or "authoritative" please
remember the intent of this book and the fact that we are not
psychologists, psychiatrists, or theologians -- we are everyday
people who are learning to live with the experience known as
"multiple personality disorder". We will present the information
which best matches our experiences and understanding, with
little concern for how it may or may not fit with any of the
formal theories regarding MPD.
How can I help? What do I need to
understand?
"In the beginning God... created man in His
own image,... and it was very good." (Genesis 1:1, 27, 31) It is
interesting to note that as you read through the first chapter
of Genesis it is mentioned several times that God looked at what
He had created and proclaimed that it was good. It was only
after He had created man and woman that He said it was VERY
good. We are also told there that He created man in His image --
to be like Him in every way possible.
Since man is created in God's image, what is
God like? "God is love." (I John 4:16) is probably the most
concise answer possible. Although this answer does not fully
describe God's character it is probably the best, most accurate,
and most-encompassing three-word answer available. Love is the
most enduring theme throughout the Bible -- from Genesis to
Revelation. The simplest presentation of the Gospel message
often begins "For God so loved the world..." (John 3:16) and for
many of our toddlers the first hymn they learn is "Jesus Loves
Me".
Yes, God is almighty, omniscient, holy,
jealous, merciful, and the list goes on. And yes, we have each
inherited those attributes as part of our human character -- at
least to the extent which is allowed by our finite, temporal
existence on this earth. And unfortunately, this image of God in
us has been marred by sin: we have deliberately rejected God's
loving plan for our lives and have attempted to remake
ourselves, destroying or distorting substantial portions of
God's image in the process, seeking our own glory and
satisfaction. Most reasoning men would conclude that love is
perhaps the predominant theme of the Bible, certainly of the New
Testament. The work of Jesus was to restore the image of God
within us, His Spirit dwells within to empower us to overcome
sin so that we might share His glorious image within us. Yes,
Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so!
This portion of God's image in us, the
capacity to give and receive love, is critical to our health and
wellbeing -- we do not function well at all without love. Dr.
Gerald G. May, a Christian psychiatrist, in his book "Addiction
and Grace" asserts that love is the most basic and prominent
feature of our inherent image of God:
"The love that creates us may be
haunting, but it is not enslaving, it is eternally present,
yet endlessly open. It seems to me that free will is given
to us for a purpose: so that we may choose freely, without
coercion or manipulation, to love God in return, and to love
one another in a similarly perfect way. This is the deepest
desire of our hearts. In other words, our creation is by
love, in love, and for love. It is both our birthright and
our authentic destiny to participate in this creative
loving, and freedom of will is essential for our
participation to occur."
Love is a critical element, a cornerstone, in
the foundation of our lives.
How do multiples develop, what causes this?
In nearly every case multiple personalities are developed as a
response to severe trauma (usually abuse) of a child. It is
often the result of physical abuse (especially sexual abuse) and
sometimes caused by emotional abuse or neglect. This response to
trauma is not universal, it seems to depend upon two factors: a
high level of intelligence and a high level of "dissociative
ability".
Dissociative ability is present in all of us
to some degree. In its milder form it resembles daydreaming --
the ability to "detach" ourselves from our current surroundings
and temporarily create a separate "reality" or consciousness in
our minds. This daydreaming dissociation is often a response to
being compelled to remain in an environment which is
uninteresting or unpleasant. The development of multiple
personalities is a more complete manifestation of dissociation.
With daydreaming there remains some awareness of the current
surroundings -- the consciousness or self-awareness is unbroken.
With multiple personalities there is a break in consciousness, a
"loss of time", a period of amnesia. In this form, dissociation
modifies not only our current experience or consciousness of
reality, it also modifies our permanent memory.
The segregation of the current experience of
trauma and its resultant emotional pain into a separate area of
the mind allows the primary, normal conscious state of the mind
(the core personality) to function relatively normally. This
ability to separate oneself from the pain and damage of the
trauma enables a person to go on as if the damage had not
occurred, at least there is no conscious memory of it. This
response, the suppression of memories associated with pain, is
normal. We all use this memory suppression technique, that is
why we find it much easier to remember the "good old days" of
our childhood. We block out the memories of painful things and
focus on pleasant memories.
Persons with multiple personalities have
refined this ability and used it to protect themselves from pain
and to enable themselves to continue functioning in spite of it.
In their abusive environment they may be forced to endure almost
unimaginable pain, and there is no way for them to get help or
to take time out for the wounds to heal. The memory suppression
and amnesic dissociation of multiple personalities is their
means of survival. The emotional, mental, and spiritual injuries
which they have neither the opportunity nor the ability to heal
in the midst of their abuse are attached to separate
personalities (who then may become specialists in handling that
type of trauma or situation). This insulates these experiences
from consciousness (except for when that alternate personality
is active) and allows the individual to continue with life in a
seemingly normal way. The injuries do not heal, they are stored
away, sealed off until some later time when they can be
processed.
This coping mechanism, of developing and
switching to an alternate consciousness, may cease to be used
when the abuse stops or it may continue to function throughout
the person's life as a response to the stresses of daily living.
In almost all cases the person (at least the core personality)
is unaware of the process. In some cases the functioning of the
system of alternate personalities is interrupted by further
trauma or stress which either forces a switch to an alternate
coping mechanism (e.g. seeking professional counseling) or
requires such an adjustment of the person's patterns of stress
management that the existence of alternate personalities becomes
obvious.
Although mental health professionals refer to
this pattern of behavior as Multiple Personality Disorder we
prefer to call it Multiple Personality Gift. We don't intend to
imply that this is a desirable or preferred response to stress.
We don't see multiple personalities as a manifestation of evil
spirits living inside a person or influencing them. (We'll
discuss the role of demons or evil spirits in a later chapter.)
We don't view multiple personalities as a flaw or weakness of
character. We don't consider multiple personalities to be an
indicator of spiritual weakness or lack of spiritual growth. We
understand this response to be a natural function of the
incredibly complex physical / emotional / mental / spiritual
creation which God designed in us.
It is this gift, the ability to dissociate
from unbearable pain, which enables the fragile developing child
to overcome incredible physical, emotional, mental, and
spiritual damage and go on living a useful, productive,
nominally normal life. It is a tool to be used until better
means can be developed of coping with life's stresses. It is a
normal, natural response to trauma in the life of a growing
child which can be "outgrown" or replaced with other, more
effective, means of stress management.
A large percentage of multiple personalities
individuals ( we shall refer to them simply as "multiples" for
the remainder of this book) are survivors of satanic ritual
abuse (SRA). They have been forced to participate in the rituals
performed by groups who worship Satan. These rituals are often
centered around sexual activities and sacrificial killings of
animals and people, especially infants. The satanic cults,
because of the illegal nature of their activities, operate in
secrecy; protecting the privacy of their rituals by using some
fairly sophisticated means -- but primarily by fear and
intimidation.
One of the skills these cults have developed
is the intentional generation of alternate personalities in
their young victims. This gives them a much greater degree of
control, by training or "programming" the alternate
personalities (we shall just call them "alters" from this point
forward). It is common for alters to be trained to believe that
if any part of the system of alters has conscious memories of
the ritual abuse they had participated in, or especially if any
report of those activities was made to any other person, the
person (core personality) must be killed. It is like having an
internal assassin. This is why many SRA survivors commit
suicide, as the memory repression and amnesic dissociation
begins to break down in later life they may be weakened enough
to succumb to the cult-programmed command to kill themselves.
In addition to the fact that victims who
remember will often self-destruct, the cult is further protected
by the fact that multiples are usually not deemed to be credible
witnesses. Even if they report the cult's activities and manage
to get enough people to believe them to get a case to court,
which jury is going to take seriously the testimony of this
"crazy person"? After all, there are dozens of psychiatrists and
other expert witnesses who will testify that this person is
suffering from a terrible mental disease.
Beyond the above factors, it is generally
recognized that these cults often include in their membership
some of the most prominent individuals in the community --
doctors, judges and lawyers, educators, police and other law
enforcement officials, and even ministers and other leaders of
Christian churches. Even if the cult's activities are reported
to believing and non-cult-influenced officials, and even if they
manage to gather enough incriminating evidence for a trial
(which is usually very difficult) the evidence and/or witnesses
often disappear before the trial. In short, they have developed
very effective methods of protecting themselves from public
scrutiny and prosecution.
CAUTION:
If you are dealing with a SRA survivor be very
careful. Some alters may have been instructed to
maintain contact with the cult and may be drawn
back into their activities. Also, cult members,
like other organized criminals, will do ANYTHING
to avoid prosecution. It may be tempting to try
to expose cult activities which you become aware
of, or to seek some retribution against cult
members. DON'T TRY IT! There are steps which can
be taken to protect against the threat of cult
retaliation, but they should be undertaken only
after consultation with trusted advisors and
hopefully in cooperation with law enforcement
officials who are known to not be associated
with the cult.
|
Perhaps the most devastating part of SRA is
the deliberate destruction, deprivation, and desecration of
love. The Satanists deliberately and systematically distort and
destroy the victim's understanding of love. Children are told
that Satan is now their father, that their parents and families
don't love them, that the Satanists do love them, and that they
are worthless and deserve the terrible tortures which are
inflicted upon them. They are forced to renounce any loving
relationship which they may have developed with friends or
family members -- and forced to watch the torturous murder of
their friends if they don't comply.
The key to recovery is re-establishing the
capacity to give and receive love safely. Since our lives are
dependent upon love, and that foundation of love has been
distorted or destroyed by the abuse that multiples have
suffered, it is reasonable to conclude that love will be the key
component of rebuilding a healthy life. Multiples must learn to
love and accept themselves as precious children of God, learn
that love is not built upon fear as they were trained to
believe, learn that letting someone else love you does not mean
that you have to let them hurt you, and learn that there will be
no tragic consequences if they allow themselves to feel and
express love for other persons.
We have tried to build safe, loving
relationships in every part of Carol's life. Since her life was
centered in the activities of the church (and especially since
we are both members of the church's pastoral staff) it was
natural that her first level of support (beyond the mental
health professionals providing her care) was found in selected
members of the congregation. These people were accepting,
believing even the most bizarre stories about abuse and the
mechanisms developed to defend against it. They were loving and
supportive, not shying away because they were uncomfortable or
unwilling to listen, holding her hand during frightening times,
praying earnestly and fervently at a moment's notice. At first
they didn't know any of the details of her abuse or exactly what
she was dealing with, they often did not understand why she
reacted to them in strange ways -- but they were always loving.
Later in the process of recovery we shared
more details about the abuse and its current effects on our
lives. We invited all the members of the congregation to attend
a fellowship time during which we explained the basic issues
involved (essentially a brief summary of the material in this
book) and answered questions freely about multiple
personalities, SRA, and specific alters and their functions and
needs. This enabled these fellow Christians who had been
faithfully praying for us for many months to take a more direct
and active role in rebuilding the love necessary for healthy
survival. It gave the alters freedom to interact with these
loving, caring people directly, without having to shield all
their activities behind a false front which represented the core
personality. It made it more safe for every part of her to learn
about real love.
Family members are also a critical element of
rebuilding the capacity to give and receive love. This can be
extremely difficult for survivors of abuse. Even if none of the
family members were involved in the abuse there may be feelings
that the family should have protected the child. If the family
was dysfunctional in some way -- even though they were not
directly connected to the abuse -- it is probable that some
aspects of the relationships between family members will feel
unloving or abusive to the survivor. And even worse, in many
cases part or all of the abuse was inflicted by family members.
These family relationships developed over
many years, are deeply ingrained, and are difficult and
traumatic to change. Some survivors find it necessary to cut
themselves off from any contact with family members in order to
protect themselves from relationships which still feel abusive.
This is painful for everyone involved -- family members often
feel that their actions have never been unloving, unkind, or
abusive in any way -- and the rejection they feel at being
"accused" and cut off by the survivor is tremendous.
Survivors find it difficult to discuss the
issues of abuse from the past with their parents, siblings, and
other family members. They must proceed carefully, exploring how
the others will accept their current experience of multiple
personalities and the implications that it makes about their
shared past. If some family members can learn to accept and love
the survivor, including all the alters, it will be a tremendous
boost in the process of recovery. The willing and loving
participation of family members can help clarify some of the
awful memories which surface during recovery. It can be more
helpful in some ways than months or years of professional
therapy.
Coworkers and others in secular or casual
relationships with the multiple often must be shielded from any
knowledge of the existence of alters. This is primarily due to
the stigma attached to any form of "mental illness". When
society learns to view the development and functioning of
alternate personalities in some persons as a natural response to
trauma, and learns to react to multiples in an accepting and
caring way, it may be possible for alters to freely perform
their functions in assisting the survivor to cope with the
stresses of life.
For now, most multiples find it absolutely
essential to hide that fact from society. They have alters who
develop the ability to speak and act very much like the core
personality in order to disguise their existence and
functioning. They may live in constant fear of being exposed and
having to explain their unusual behavior or situation. This
condition tends to add to the stresses of recovery, and makes
the process more difficult and time-consuming.
It is our recommendation that multiples and
their friends be cautious about revealing the existence of
multiple personalities. We feel that if there are "outsiders"
who can be trusted with this knowledge and trained to respond in
positive, helpful ways it could go far in assisting the process
of recovery. We view that as one of the best ways to help
rebuild the foundation of love for the survivor. Unfortunately,
these people represent a much greater risk, they have less
motivation to be helpful and supportive and may actually cause
further trauma.
How can I help? What can I do?
DON'T try to be a healer, helper, or hero.
She needs you to be a friend, not a doctor, therapist, or
rescuer. She has a doctor and therapist, and it is too late now
to rescue her from past abuse -- and she is able to protect
herself now from any current abusive situations.
Listen. She will let you know what she needs.
Above all else, try to maintain a calm,
assured attitude of friendship and loving support. If you are
interacting with one of the alters reassure them that it is OK
for them to be here now, unless it is a situation which really
does require the core personality. Most of the time the alters
work together in a cooperative way to ensure that the needs of
the whole person are met -- and if one of the alters is active
it is probably an indication that it is time for them to
accomplish their function. Occasionally, switching to an alter
is a response to an unusually stressful situation. In either
case, it is probably not important to ask for the core
personality to return. If the alter is uncomfortable being "out"
in a particular situation then they will most likely retreat to
the safety of being inside and send one of the others or the
core personality out. Our goal has been to allow each of the
alters as much time "out" as possible, to allow them to perform
their function freely (sometimes providing some redirection of
efforts in more positive directions), and to build new and
healthy relationships based on love rather than fear.
We are happy to answer your questions about
what happened in the past and what is going on now, especially
when it can help you to understand our needs and how you can be
supportive. Your curiosity is natural and expected but please
don't pry -- be sensitive to her reluctance to discuss painful
or private matters.
Frustrating, demeaning, awkward, painful, --
anything but fun. While the functioning of alternate
personalities can be fascinating (and perhaps frightening) for
us to observe, it is no fun at all for the multiple. Switching
from one personality to another causes severe migraine-like
headaches, especially when a series of switches is made during a
short period of time. Imagine the frustration of setting out for
a walk through the neighborhood and returning to consciousness
more than an hour later to realize that you are hanging in a
somewhat unbecoming position on the playground equipment in the
park, and one of your child alters has been playing and having a
good time for the past hour -- to the amusement of everyone
around. Or imagine that you are a leader in a church which
forbids the use of alcohol and tobacco and sets high standards
for Christian conduct and you realize that one of your alters
spent last night drinking, dancing, and smoking in one of the
town's favorite night spots. Imagine one of your alters getting
angry at your neighbors and telling them off in no uncertain
terms, then leaving you to repair the Christian example you have
been trying to maintain.
While some multiples have only a few alters,
most have several, even dozens of alters. Each alter was created
to fulfill some purpose. In some cases the creation of an alter
can be traced to a specific event in the young child's life.
Some alters are created to play and give the appearance of being
a normal, happy child. Some are created to be protectors, to try
to protect the young child from harm. Some are created just to
endure physical pain, they know no other existence except to
"come out" when there is pain to be endured without crying out
or otherwise reacting to it. Some are created to play the roles
expected by the abusers (e.g. a sexual abuser may desire a
"saloon girl"). Other alters may be created later in life (after
the abuse has stopped) in response to some particularly
stressful or traumatic situation.
Each of the alters has a unique set of
feelings, attitudes, skills, abilities, and desires. One may be
a good singer, one may have artistic talent as a painter or
sculptor, one may have a strong mechanical aptitude and be able
to fix nearly anything, one may be deaf or blind, they may each
have different allergies and other medical problems. It is not
uncommon to find alters who have knowledge or abilities which
the core personality has no awareness of and can't explain
where, when, or how the alter may have learned them.
There are some sights, sounds, smells, etc.
which act as "triggers" to remind the survivor of the abuse.
These may cause a variety of reactions ranging from a mild,
vague feeling of uneasiness to a flashback which has the
survivor convinced they are currently enduring the abuse
(complete with crying, screaming, physical pain, striking out
against abusers, etc.). This will obviously vary depending upon
the specific situations encountered during the abuse.
For SRA survivors common triggers may include
anything which resembles the Satanic rituals: people standing or
sitting in a circle, especially with their hands joined;
chanting or rote repetition of words; candles or open fires;
sacrificial altars, or tables which are similar to or symbolic
of altars; ritual drinking or eating; coffins, funerals, or
anything related to a dead animal or person; snakes, goats,
insects, owls, or even household pets may have been sacrificed
or used in rituals or torture. It is tragic to realize that this
list includes most of the common activities encountered in the
worship meetings of many Christian churches. This is because the
Satanists have deliberately profaned the elements of Christian
worship. This makes it extremely difficult for most SRA
survivors to seek help and support from the people who should be
best able to provide it. Our suggestion for survivors who wish
to participate in Christian worship and service but have trouble
finding a church which does not trigger all these old memories
is to try one of the denominations which deliberately avoids
rituals as a normal part of their worship. We suggest The
Salvation Army (which happens to be where God placed us to serve
Him), the Society of Friends (Quakers), or the Mennonite
churches.
There may be times when you encounter alters
who are unpleasant, uncooperative, or destructive. You may have
times when an alter is hostile toward you and says or does
something which seems intended to hurt you. While this has not
been common in our experience, it is not unknown either.
We have learned to recognize that some of the
alters may not realize that many years and many miles separate
them from the abuse they have known; when they come to
consciousness they may only know that they are surrounded by
strange people in a strange place -- it is not surprising that
they might be frightened and angry. Even if they know where they
are and who they are with we must remember that they may have
been trained to distrust everyone, especially anyone who claims
to be their friend. It may take months or years of consistent
loving and caring contact to overcome that programming, and it
may have to be repeated with each alter.
Our best advice for friends of intractable
alters is this: remember that I love this person, all of this
person, no matter how unpleasant they may be right now. We have
had to fight the tendency to prefer those alters who are usually
pleasant to be around and to shun or discount the fears and
feelings of those who cause us discomfort. We spent some months
shrugging off the tongue-lashings we received from one of the
alters, saying "Oh, that's just the way she is." We finally
realized that she is part of this complex person that we love,
and her feelings, needs, and concerns were every bit as
important as those of any of the other personalities. It was
after that that she began to feel that perhaps she really was
loved, and she became somewhat more cooperative and pleasant to
work with.
In our minds these two questions are similar
and the answer to both of them is the same. While living out the
rest of our lives with "someone else" (maybe even a
four-year-old alter) would require some adjustments, the answer
to these questions is that it really doesn't matter. It took us
several months of thought and discussion to reach this
conclusion. To our daughters, it doesn't really matter -- this
person, whoever she may be, is their mother. To me (her
husband), it doesn't really matter -- this person, whoever she
may be, is my wife; I will love, cherish, and protect her in
sickness and in health, in good times or in bad, until death do
us part. To our family members, it doesn't really matter -- we
may have to adjust how we interact with her from time to time;
but our relationship to her, whoever she may be, remains
unchanged.
We have not done any research to support this
answer but our experience says that it is extremely unlikely
that she would "get stuck" as an alter. As for the "real person"
-- the real person is, and always has been, a composite of all
these alternate "modes of consciousness". The goal we are
working toward is the re-integration of these "splintered"
personalities, toward a time when the skills and feelings of the
various alters are always and constantly active and available,
not hidden away until each alter has their time "out". The real
person is the one who will have all the attributes of each of
the alters available to them constantly rather than on a
time-share basis.
No. Remember that alters do not have a
separate existence. It does mean that, while that alter will
cease to have a separate consciousness, their feelings,
concerns, abilities, and desires will be available and active on
a full-time basis. After several months of developing a
relationship with one of the alters it was rather disconcerting
to think that they might be "gone forever" -- until we realized
that instead of being gone forever she would be always with us.
This was one of our first concerns -- after
all, the first alter we had any regular contact with was only
three years old. We soon understood that each alter has a "job",
an assigned task to perform. Some jobs are somewhat general,
others are very specific. Some alters' jobs will overlap with
those of others. They all work together to ensure that the
person can function in whatever situation may arise. If the
situation requires the ability to drive a car, then only those
alters who have that skill are permitted to be active during
that time.
The simple (but incomplete) answer to this
question is "no". This is another question we wrestled with
early on in this process. We have no scriptural or other
authority for saying this, but we have the certainty of its
truth nevertheless. The alters all understand that they have no
separate existence, if one dies they all die (that's why they
work together so well to ensure the person's survival). They
each were created to help ensure the survival of the person, and
they are each an integral, inseparable part of that person. They
are not separate persons inhabiting one body, and therefore
deserving of individual and separate rights to do whatever they
wish. They are each a part of one incredibly complex person,
composed of this interrelated group of "personalities" in the
mind, a body, and spirit.
Almost none for the friend of a multiple, DO
NOT BE AFRAID. All the multiples we know have not been a threat
to others, although almost all of them are self-abusive at
times. You are generally at very low risk when interacting with
a multiple, almost all of the risk is on the opposite side of
the relationship. Multiples are cautious about allowing
themselves into situations where they might be hurt. This is why
it may be difficult for you to demonstrate your care and concern
-- it is risky for them to trust you.
If they feel a sense of rejection from you,
or any sense that you may have betrayed whatever trust they have
placed in you, it may be traumatic for them. However, such a
setback in the healing process is certain to be less damaging
than the original abuse, and the process of working to overcome
that breach in the loving relationship you are both trying to
establish will provide further strength and understanding for
both of you.
Remind her in a gentle, non-threatening,
non-demanding way (not "you have to open your eyes and tell me
where you are") where she is, who you are, and that it is safe
to be here. Be cautious about touching, if she shrinks back from
your touch then back off a couple of feet. It may help to offer
to hold her hand ("Would you like to squeeze my hand when you
are frightened or hurting?") or suggest a gentle hug (hugs are
risky, they may be rejected if the alter associates them in any
way with sexual abuse
BE VERY CAREFUL).
Any SRA survivor will be quick to tell you
that not only is Satan real and very powerful (he is not just
some cosmic bogey man as he is portrayed by many) but he also
controls a host of demons or evil spirits. Scripture makes it
quite plain that such demons are able to inhabit a person and
influence their life. It also seems clear that Satan and his
agents can influence our lives without inhabiting or
"possessing" the person. Remember that demons have access to
similar power as Almighty God's, they are supernatural beings.
If there is any question about the possibility of demonic
activity in the life of a survivor you must seek out holy
persons whom God has given the gift of discernment and who have
experience in exorcising demons -- this is not something to toy
with or to ignore. Also remember that if you determine that
there is some demonic influence involved, God is Almighty, there
is nothing to fear. He sends his Holy Spirit to dwell within us
and fill the places of darkness where demons were exorcised from
with His light and peace.
It is VERY IMPORTANT to distinguish between
demons and alters. Some events, activities, or attitudes may
seem to have a demonic origin (and at their root may indeed
have) but actually be coming from a powerful, frightened, and
angry alter. There are two dangers here: the first is that many
mental health professionals will deny or severely downplay the
possibility of demonic activity in the life of a survivor. There
are several good reasons for this from their point of view.
Perhaps the most important one is: how would you like to be told
that the evil which is the source of your problems is located
inside of you and that it is beyond your control?
The second danger lies at the opposite
extreme. There are some spiritual advisors, claiming to have the
gift of discernment and power to exorcise, who see demons
everywhere; some who even claim that there is no such thing as
multiple personalities, only multiple demons. There is no way
that an alter can feel loved if they are accused of being a
demon! There is not enough space here to allow a full discussion
of this subject, we recommend Dr. James G. Friesen's book "Uncovering
the Mystery of MPD" for a more detailed discussion. Our best
summary is this: recognize the reality both of alternate
personalities and of demons, be careful to distinguish between
them, and take the action which is appropriate for each (love
the alters, exorcise the demons).
Help for special friends
While the material presented so far has been
directed to a general audience of persons who may have
interactions with multiples, the following sections are written
to offer some suggestions for persons who have a closer
relationship with the survivor.
Be willing to accept and love any alter. The
period of recovery will probably require a number of adjustments
in your daily lives.
You may be called upon to assist your
multiple spouse in controlling and limiting the activities of
certain alters. Alters who are children may require special
attention like trips to play in the park, ice cream cones, teddy
bears or other toys. We encourage these activities by alters at
appropriate times and in appropriate settings. In order to
preserve some sense of dignity it is important that child alters
have limits placed on their activities. After all it would seem
strange to see a 30+-year-old adult sitting in the floor playing
jacks or marbles in the middle of a shopping mall -- when there
are no children nearby.
Other alters may choose activities which
violate the wishes of the core personality, or agreements which
you have made for your marriage. An example of this might be an
alter who wants to smoke cigarettes although the core
personality is a non-smoker and you have an agreement in your
marriage that neither partner would smoke. You may be called
upon to mediate such disagreements and to help implement the
decisions made.
If your spouse was abused sexually it is
quite possible that modifications to your (the couple's)
established patterns of sexual activity may be required, perhaps
even total abstinence for a period of weeks or months.
It is difficult to provide much guidance for
the children of multiples. We have had times when our daughters
(both in their teens) have had to assume roles of parent-like
responsibility in relationship to their mother when child alters
were active. This role-reversal created some confusion at times,
and was a topic of discussion in our family therapy sessions on
several occasions.
Another source of problems was the
development of differing relationships with the various alters,
some of whom undermined the parental authority of the core
personality. It is hardly fair to place upon our children the
burden of ensuring that they are seeking permission only from
the core personality.
Our policy with our children, as well as with
everyone else, is to provide them with as much information as is
practical regarding the nature of the problems we are dealing
with, our goals and methods of recovery, and the ways they can
help the process. It can be very frightening for a child to
realize that there is something wrong with their parent, they
are "sick", and not know if they are going to die or if other
terrible things might happen. We have found that education is
the single most important step in enlisting the loving support
of others. We have also found that children are generally much
more accepting of the oddities in behavior which multiples often
present. They are more free and open in their relationships with
multiples than many adults we have encountered, they just accept
everything at face value -- when they have some understanding of
what is happening.
For children of multiples it is especially
important that they have a clear understanding of the needs of
multiples and the plans and goals for recovery. It is helpful
for them to understand some of the background which caused the
development of multiple personalities.
This process of educating children must take
into account the age, development, and stability of each child.
Older children may wish to know more details regarding the
abuse, for younger children it is probably best to answer
questions in a more general way. A statement like "When Mom was
a little girl there was someone who hurt her very much, and she
needed the help of the alters in order to help her keep
growing." may be adequate for young children. With one young
child of one of our friends it was most convenient when she saw
a "grown-up" talking and acting like a four-year-old (who called
herself "Karen") to explain that she was playing The Karen Game.
This was enough explanation to put things at ease among all of
us, and each time she visits she asks if we can play The Karen
Game. Our best suggestion here is to make sure that there is
freedom for the child to ask questions about the past and about
the current process of recovery, and to answer those questions
as openly and honestly as possible.
We will assume that since you are reading
this book, you have a desire to be helpful and supporting in
some way to your child. This may be extremely difficult for you
because of the feelings this situation may generate within you.
The realization that if your child has multiple personalities
there is an implication that you failed as their parent to
protect them from abuse can be overwhelming. Most of us as
parents try to do our best for our children, and we hate to
think that we have failed them in some way -- or that other
people might think that we failed. This may generate in us
feelings of guilt, shame, resentment, or anger.
It is possible that you, as a parent, may
have been an abuser or may have been passive in not protecting
your child from the known abusive actions of others. In this
case your sense of guilt may be even stronger. It is also
possible that your own memory repression mechanisms are blocking
your memories of that period in your family's life. While
recognizing the likelihood of these difficulties, we must point
out that there is hope that you can build a new, healthy, and
stronger relationship with your child. God is in the business of
changing lives, that's why He sent His Son to intervene in our
lives and restore us to love.
Your child, as a survivor, may harbor strong
feelings of resentment, anger, or even hatred toward you --and
what may make it worse for both of you is that you may not
understand why. Some of these feelings are based upon actions,
attitudes, and perceptions which are decades old, it may take
much effort and a strong commitment from both of you to develop
a new loving relationship. Revising the ways you interact with
one another can be difficult, even painful or traumatic, but it
is essential to rebuilding the love in your lives.
The changes required will not be easy to
discuss, there may be periods of intense disagreement, and the
changes required can sometimes be quite subtle. As an example,
we are aware of a parent who often told their child "You are
sure lucky that you married the person you did, they are so good
to you." What the child heard was something like this: "You sure
don't deserve to have such a fine person as a spouse, I don't
understand why they put up with you." At the same time the
parents intended message may have been something like this: "I
am proud of you. I am happy to see that you made a good choice
in selecting a spouse." Resolving such difficulties in the
communications upon which we build our relationships can demand
a good deal of patience, tolerance, and commitment to stick with
it.
Most of the information provided here for
parents of multiples holds true for their siblings as well.
One of the greatest benefits that family
members can provide in the healing of survivors is the
clarification and verification of memories. Unfortunately, this
is also one of the most difficult things for family members to
do because it may require them to think back to times and events
they would rather not remember, especially if they are also
survivors of abuse.
For some families, it may be necessary to
focus on the present issues of healing and rebuilding loving
relationships, and deliberately choose not to discuss the times
of abuse. If the family members decide against this plan, we
would suggest that each member of the family have some source of
non-involved support available: either a therapeutic
relationship with a mental health professional or perhaps a
pastor who has an understanding of the issues involved and
agrees to provide counseling.
The author is the husband of a wonderful lady
who was diagnosed in 1991 as having Multiple Personality
Disorder. This booklet was prepared primarily for members of our
support team. Because of its origin and original purpose it
necessarily contains information specific to our lives. We are
happy to share it with the larger community of surviviors and
their special friends, for whatever value it may have for them.
In preparing this for submission on-line, it
became obvious that it is due for revision. Most of this
material was written about three years ago and we have grown
quite a bit since then. We have also developed contacts with
other multiples and their friends -- and our knowledge of the
problems that others encounter has expanded. Therefore, if you
(the reader) are a multiple or the friend of a multiple, and can
offer suggestions about how to make this information more
accurate, useful, complete, or easy to read -- PLEASE offer us
your suggestions.
COPYRIGHT -- Although I have no intention of
selling this to a publisher (I could not feel good about
profiting from the pain of others, and God provides adequately
for our material needs) or otherwise sell it, I do maintain it
as copyrighted original work. You are welcome to copy and/or
distribute it freely to help others as long as it remains intact
(including this final section) and unaltered.
REVISIONS -- I view this as very much a "work
in progress" and will be making revisions from time to time to
reflect our continuing growth and increasing understanding. I
feel that one person should remain ultimately responsible for
the content of this document so, although I am actively seeking
input from others in the community of multiples and friends, I
would ask that you respect my authorship rights and not
distribute your own revisions directly.
DISTRIBUTION -- I have distributed printed
copies of this document to various friends over the past three
years. We also use it as an introduction when we are beginning
work with therapists or hospital nursing staff who are new to
our case -- it helps explain how we are handling our healing
process. This particular version was specially prepared for
electronic distribution.
May you and all your friends (whether
multiple or, like me, an "only") find something here which
helps. We wish you peace and REAL (safe) LOVE during these
difficult times.
James Card -- May 1995
James Card
Post Office Box 864
Newman, CA 95360
E-Mail: jdcard@inreach.com