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In a message, a friend writes: "... but... hearing this
bolsters me somewhat... knowing that others definitely have
been through sexual abuse. I have no proof, no hope of ever
getting any... so... oh well."
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Hey, dear friend -
Be careful what you wish for. I
was warned early on that proof or validation of abuse is not
the cure all we hope for. It is of no value until we are
willing to face the losses that proof brings. I have more
proof than I will ever need - but most of it sits packed
away in boxes - and hasn't really helped break my internal
denial system. When the proof comes, we still have to face
the same healing issues and learn to reconnect with our
emotions, ability to grieve, take stock of our losses, learn
healthy patterns of communication and relating to others and
rebuilding. In fact, the validation means there's no where
else to run but smack into it.
I've heard
so many others say they wish they had proof. With more proof
than I want, it hasn't changed my healing goals one bit. I
want to live whole, tender, with a gentle strength and
vulnerability and childlike appreciation of everything and
everyone around me. Proof doesn't bring that any faster. I
hope it comforts you somewhat when your heart yearns to have
answers that seem impossible. Until you are ready, any proof
you have will sit on a desk untouched. I hope my ultimate
proof is the authenticity with which I now live my life in
the midst of a very dysfunctional family. Proof of the
ability of love to heal a broken heart.
Blessings to you.
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I say you are precious and valuable and loveable
because anyone who has survived
what we have and have contributed anything at all to this
world in any way is a marvel in themselves!!! We should be
in prison filled with violence and hatred but we aren't. We
should be crazy out of our minds but we aren't. While things
may feel crazy at times, there really is a structure and
sense to be made out of our thinking when we look at what
we've been through. Contributing to this board, being
vulnerable, trusting, and helping others are all things we
should never underestimate in ourselves. These are amazing
given the abuse we endured.
So I consider
every single one of us to be precious, valuable, loveable
and unique. We made it through and are committed to healing.
I think that speaks volumes on its own. Thanks for writing.
It's not a perfect world out there. But I want to change my
little sphere of influence for the better. I know people who
haven't experienced abuse who won't try to change anything.
So I applaud us all, including you. I'm 46, single and no
children. I sometimes struggle with why I am working so hard
to heal. But there is still plenty of time to contribute and
leave testimony to multitudes of others that healing is
possible. 37 years of abuse is over, I survived and have
been healing for almost 7 years. If I can help others for
even a few years or decades yet, it will have been worth it.
I'm daring to trust that many on this board will impact many
in really positive ways. I think we are all precious,
valuable and loveable.
I've discovered I am in Christ and He is changing me.
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I have a suggestion for you -
what if you took all the energy
it takes to support the fact that you are so bad and
worthless and let it flow into the scary and risky area of
what it would mean if you accepted that you are loveable,
precious and worthy of love? The first time I was asked to
just picture it, I fled in sheer terror. I can determine to
use all my skills and defenses staying locked in a
self-destructive mode of no self-worth - or I can dare to
gain a more accurate glimpse of myself (in Truth) if I am
willing to take the risk. Being worthwhile, loveable and
precious is terrifying to us. It makes us face issues (you
may not even dream of) that we've fortified ourselves
against through denial, denigration and self hatred for
decades. What does it do to you to dare to accept that you
are loveable? Could be the most important journaling you
ever do.......
Just a thought.
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Malachi 3:3
says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled
some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this
statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of
refining silver and get back to the group at their next
Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silversmith
and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't
mention anything about the reason for her interest
beyond her curiosity about the process of refining
silver.
As she
watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over
the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in
refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the
middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to
burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about
God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again
about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and
purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was
true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the
whole time the silver was being refined. The man
answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding
the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver
the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was
left a moment too long in the flames, it would be
destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she
asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver
is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh,
that's easy - when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember
that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you
until He sees His image in you.
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I wish I
didn't have to respond to your email.
I'm heartbroken for you -
and validated - and shocked and angry - and amazed that
they are so stupid to always do things the same way - so
we can validate each other's experience so quickly and
thoroughly. Every detail is the same and I am so sorry.
It was so perverse and cruel. It was designed to destroy
every bit of our personhood and any possibility we'd
ever betray them - or call out to God. You have been
working through so much pain. Your days of joy, peace
and real rest are coming. He Who began a good work in
you is Faithful to complete it.
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What a
beautiful discussion between the two of you
(in our support group) -
there is a wonderful life yet for us to live - with
tremendous energy and compassion when we are
through all of this. In fact, since once the process
starts, there's no way out but going through, we come
out the other side confident in who we are,
knowledgeable of our strengths and weaknesses, an
interconnectedness interdependence on people (not
codependency or isolation) and childlike trust and
vulnerability restored with a depth of wisdom and
compassion few possess. Difficult as the healing is,
there are massive gifts buried within us. When they are
used to live instead of survive, what a joyful,
appreciative and purposeful life we will live. Dare to
dance.
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