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In a message, a friend writes: "... but... hearing this bolsters me
somewhat... knowing that others definitely
have been through sexual abuse. I have no proof, no hope of ever getting
any... so... oh well."
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Hey, dear friend - Be
careful what you wish for. I was warned early on that proof or
validation of abuse is not the cure all we hope for. It is of no value
until we are willing to face the losses that proof brings. I have more
proof than I will ever need - but most of it sits packed away in boxes -
and hasn't really helped break my internal denial system. When the proof
comes, we still have to face the same healing issues and learn to
reconnect with our emotions, ability to grieve, take stock of our
losses, learn healthy patterns of communication and relating to others
and rebuilding. In fact, the validation means there's no where else to
run but smack into it.
I've
heard so many others say they wish they had proof. With more proof than
I want, it hasn't changed my healing goals one bit. I want to live
whole, tender, with a gentle strength and vulnerability and childlike
appreciation of everything and everyone around me. Proof doesn't bring
that any faster. I hope it comforts you somewhat when your heart yearns
to have answers that seem impossible. Until you are ready, any proof you
have will sit on a desk untouched. I hope my ultimate proof is the
authenticity with which I now live my life in the midst of a very
dysfunctional family. Proof of the ability of love to heal a broken
heart. Blessings
to you.
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I say you are precious and valuable and loveable
because anyone who has survived what we have
and have contributed anything at all to this world in any way is a
marvel in themselves!!! We should be in prison filled with
violence and hatred but we aren't. We should be crazy out of our minds
but we aren't. While things may feel crazy at times, there really is a
structure and sense to be made out of our thinking when we look at what
we've been through. Contributing to this board, being vulnerable,
trusting, and helping others are all things we should never
underestimate in ourselves. These are amazing given the abuse we
endured.
So I
consider every single one of us to be precious, valuable, loveable and
unique. We made it through and are committed to healing. I think that
speaks volumes on its own. Thanks for writing. It's not a
perfect world out there. But I want to change my little sphere of
influence for the better. I know people who haven't experienced abuse
who won't try to change anything. So I applaud us all, including you.
I'm 46, single and no children. I sometimes struggle with why I am
working so hard to heal. But there is still plenty of time to contribute
and leave testimony to multitudes of others that healing is possible. 37
years of abuse is over, I survived and have been healing for almost 7
years. If I can help others for even a few years or decades yet, it will
have been worth it. I'm daring to trust that many on this board will
impact many in really positive ways. I think we are all
precious, valuable and loveable.
I've discovered I am in Christ and He is
changing me.
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I have a suggestion for you -
what if you took all the energy it takes
to support the fact that you are so bad and worthless and let it flow
into the scary and risky area of what it would mean if you accepted
that you are loveable, precious and worthy of love? The first time I was
asked to just picture it, I fled in sheer terror. I can determine to use
all my skills and defenses staying locked in a self-destructive mode of
no self-worth - or I can dare to gain a more accurate glimpse of myself
(in Truth) if I am willing to take the risk. Being worthwhile, loveable
and precious is terrifying to us. It makes us face issues (you may not
even dream of) that we've fortified ourselves against through denial,
denigration and self hatred for decades. What does it do to you to dare
to accept that you are loveable? Could be the most important
journaling you ever do.......
Just a thought.
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Malachi
3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what
this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the
women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back
to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a
silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't
mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her
curiosity about the process of refining silver.
As she
watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and
let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to
hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were
hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about
God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the
verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of
silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to
sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being
refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there
holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the
entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment
too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was
silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you
know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and
answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has
His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in
you.
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I
wish I didn't have to respond to your email.
I'm heartbroken for you - and validated -
and shocked and angry - and amazed that they are so stupid to always
do things the same way - so we can validate each other's experience so
quickly and thoroughly. Every detail is the same and I am so sorry. It
was so perverse and cruel. It was designed to destroy every bit of our
personhood and any possibility we'd ever betray them - or call out to
God. You have been working through so much pain. Your days of joy,
peace and real rest are coming. He Who began a good work in you is
Faithful to complete it.
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a beautiful discussion between the two of you
(in our support group) -
there is a wonderful life yet for us to live - with tremendous energy
and compassion when we are
through all of this. In fact, since once the process starts, there's
no way out but going through, we come out the other side confident in
who we are, knowledgeable of our strengths and weaknesses, an
interconnectedness interdependence on people (not codependency or
isolation) and childlike trust and vulnerability restored with a depth
of wisdom and compassion few possess. Difficult as the healing is,
there are massive gifts buried within us. When they are used to live
instead of survive, what a joyful, appreciative and purposeful life we
will live. Dare to dance.
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